My experience (written in 2009, senior year of high school)

            It seems to me, that people today are too quick to judge. If a person changes their clothes, hair, attitude, even weight, they are scrutinized. Yet, there are people born with things that they cannot change, such as mental and physical disabilities. They are stared at and on occasion mocked. I know what it is like to be, not the one staring, but the one stared at. My disabilities are only noticed when people really pay attention to me. These disabilities are Tourette syndrome (TS) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Several years ago, I hit rock bottom, and couldn’t get out. It was then that I knew I needed to change. I will explain the problems that I faced, what I did to change, and how it has affected me and my outlook on life.

            In sixth grade, I was a seemingly normal 11 year old. I had friends, got good grades, and spent time with my family. In actuality, I was not normal. At age 11, I weighed 71 lbs, which was much lower than anyone else my age. The reason I was so underweight was that I didn’t eat, but I wasn’t anorexic. My reason was, that I was so stressed all the time I couldn’t eat. When I feel stressed, all my emotions go to my stomach, causing me to feel sick. This being what it was, my stomach shrunk, and I couldn’t gain the needed weight. Where my TS and OCD come into this, is that the stress I was feeling was ten times worse than what other people feel. Anxiety usually comes with OCD, as do panic attacks, which I started having later on. Every morning I would wake up, and start my routine, but it was though I wasn’t really there. Even though I was conscious, and could interact with my parents, I felt like a robot.  Doing the same things every day, it all runs into one long horrible day. At this point, my tics occurred so often, that I was constantly doing something, and they were annoying. I would push my spit out onto my lips, and leave it there, because it was comforting, but when I was out and about, I would cover my mouth. Another tic I had was a cough, but not just a normal cough, one that was pushed, hard, and unnaturally loud. It would be so hard sometimes, that I would gag because of it. For comfort, I had a tic that I had to pull the necks of my shirts away from my neck, and breath on my fingers. For some odd reason, the warmth on my fingers, and the condensation that was there made my stomach feel better. Of course it was all a mind trick, and I was just trying to find something to make me feel better. The tic that I have had since I was little was present too, the tic is that I blink my left eye often. So by the end of the day, my eye would hurt because I was blinking it so often during the day. It felt, at the time, that I was all alone, drifting away from everyone, and there was nothing to hold on to me. Just functioning like a normal person was difficult, it felt like a chore to get out of the house in the morning. Sometimes, I almost couldn’t. In all my life, I have never been as scared I was as then, because there was nothing I could do to control it.

            It was obvious to my parents that I needed help, so I started going to a nutritionist. On top of that, I started going to a different counselor, and I also went to my doctor every few weeks. I knew that it was supposed to help me, but it was hard. There were times that I wanted to give up, but my parents told me that if I did, I might need to be taken to the hospital. That was something I was even more afraid of, so I pushed on. With my nutritionist, I started having to write down everything that I ate in a day, and how many calories were in what I ate. My new counselor helped people with eating disorders, so together we talked about what made me so stressed, and how that was affecting me. At the time, I had also lost my best friend. She decided that she didn’t like me, and we stopped talking. This was really stressful for me, so my counselor focused a lot on friends, and how people were treating me. Slowly, but surely, I began to get better. My stress levels were going down, and I was gaining weight. This made me feel better, and gave me hope that I could get through it. Another thing that was helping me was the band Tears for Fears. Around that time, my mom gave my dad the CD Shout: Best of Tears for Fears. The lyrics and sound gave me comfort and strength, so for a long time, I listened to them every morning so I could function. Even thought it took time, I finally was well enough to stop going to the nutritionist, and the counselor. So by the start of freshman year, I was more or less back to normal.

            Going through what I did, changed me in ways I didn’t know possible. When I was little, there were things that I didn’t do because I was scared. I didn’t want to mess up or be wrong, and that held me back. Before I changed, I didn’t think I could do great things, I never knew I could win. Once I took control of my problem, I could do anything that I set my mind to, even if I failed. Now, years later, I still strive to do the best that I can, but if I fail, I get back on the horse and try again. Also, I stand up for people more than I did before, because I am not afraid of what will happen. When I am older, I want to teach people about TS and OCD, because when people have limited knowledge, they are willing to judge others even if they don’t know the whole story. It hurts when people judge me when they see only my tics. I have had times when I am angry or passionate about something, and my blinking tic becomes worse. People that don’t know me have asked me if I am winking at them, and when they do, it is always in a snide tone, which makes me livid.

Still today, I feel the repercussions of what I went through. If I lose weight, I drop quickly, and I takes me a long time to gain it back. At times when I feel nervous, my stomach is always the first to tell me. If I am excited, my stomach is the first to know, but I can tell what emotions I am feeling when my stomach starts turning into knots. Even now, I sometimes slip back, but my parents always call me on it, and I change. I change, because I never want to go back to that place. Out of all the things I have experienced in my 17 years, it was by far the hardest. Yet once I found help, I could accomplish greatness. It changed me forever, and helped me in many ways. Using my knowledge of my problems, I can make myself a better person, and help others with that knowledge.